The Power of One

Back when I was about eight or nine years old I vaguely remember tell Miss Bledsoe my social worker that I wanted to grow up and be just like her. I wanted to grew up and be just like her and drive a white car with the same color of interior as her.
I never saw her after that. She just seemed to vanish like so many other people like the doctors and nurses who had come and gone through out my entire life. It was one of the saddest times in my life because I still believed that she was one day going to take me back home to where my friend Nancy was. She was my only link to the only home that I had ever known. She never did return.
My pining went on for what seemed like for eons. It sometimes seemed like it would never end.

When I was about fourteen I do remember telling my mom that I wanted to grow up and become a social worker and that I wanted to work in policy and development. She asked why I wanted to work in this career and why I was being so specific. I told her that I still want to be just like Miss Bledsoe and that I never wanted another child to go through the same thing that I had and still was going through and that thanks to my grade five teacher I was beginning to understand were I could make changes. She really encouraged my to tell my story and continue on with my education.
Forty years later I am doing just that. What is so cool about this is that i choose to call this writing new beginning and just two days ago my boss told me that is the exact meaning of what NIL/TU,O means

Flat line

I call this new subject this because I feel that my stories really are to flat. There are bland in my thoughts today. They tend to be really dark, sad and heavy on the emotions, because this is what I see and hear on a daily basis. My feelings though tend to be emotionalize at times when I should be expressing them. Perhaps this is because there are times when I feel that I have seen and been through it all before. If I haven't been through it I have heard it through some one else.
Sometimes I get angry at myself because I feel that I am not able to get past this point. But then I realize that this just another way of oppressing myself. Therefore the right to feel these feelings and going through this phase.

I realize that I am in control of my emotions and that if I want to change the style of my writing that it to will change in time and that it is okay for me to share a small part of life's story because this how we will make changes for a better tomorrow.

Thoughts of why I called this part flatlines eroded after I initially wrote this. This is a small part of revealing how I perceive events that happen in my realm. There a few bright spots in my life that I must teach myself how to cherish. Like my getting my driver license for the third time. I have let it expire three time. I totally forget about it each I have a birthday. Driving is one of the few things that give me still some kind of pleasure, a sense of freedom and giving me some kind of control over my own destiny. Oh yah back to why I called this part flatlines. . This kinds of reminds me of the part of a heart beat monitor straight line that I have seen to many times in the hospital where the monitor goes straight and then all of a sudden the lines starts a squiggly pulsating jerking lines across the screen usully meaning there is hope for a renewal of life.